There Is a Queen Inside of You

Dr. Chris Stroble / Teen Moms Anonymous, Published October 16, 2024

I could not believe what I was seeing. I was dumbfounded. I was in the drive-through at McDonald's (I love their coffee) and when I pulled up to the window to pay, the cashier taking my money was wearing a bonnet (there has been a lot of talk about this). I could not believe it. She was working with a bonnet on her head. The next time I drove through, I asked her, "They let you wear a bonnet to work?" In the most innocent way, she replied, "Yeah," as if to say, "What's wrong with it?" I was grieved and troubled. This is our current state of affairs, "How have we come to this?" 

I confess my initial thought was, "What's wrong with her?" but I soon shifted my focus to the real question: What happened to her? That’s what Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. and Oprah Winfrey challenge readers to do in their book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing-- shift from focusing on “What’s wrong with you?” or" Why are you behaving that way? To asking, "What happened to you?"  

What happened to her that she doesn't see anything inappropriate about wearing a bonnet in public?

Why is she okay with it? Is that what she sees around her? Does she know what decency and decorum is? Does she understand self-respect? At a loss, all I kept saying to myself was, "Queens don't wear bonnets in public” -- neither do they wear bedroom shoes or pajamas in public.

So, what do queens do? What do they wear? How do they act? R.C. Blakes, Jr. offers an answer to these questions in his book, Queenology: There's a Queen inside of You. Below are his points in bold, with my remarks and questions.

  • Queens Manage Emotions - You get to choose what you will and will not react to. You can choose to remain calm or not. You can bite your tongue and hold your peace (as we used to say when I was growing up). You can practice the pause. Take 10 deep breaths. Gather your thoughts. Then respond in such a way that you are in control of the situation and the situation is not in control of you.
  • Queens Study Kings - Look at the character of the man you are considering spending your time with. Who is he? What are his values and beliefs? Does he honor you? How does he treat you? How does he treat other people? How does he treat your children? Is he speaking life to them? Do you want your son to be like him?
  • Queens Are Financially Savvy - Learn how to manage your money (it will reduce anxiety). Figure out what you need first (housing/shelter, food, transportation). What can wait? What can you cut out? It's a good idea to seek professional help for support and guidance.
  • Queens Maximize Their Potential - What are you interested in? What are your goals? What are you doing to achieve your goals? Watching YouTube videos in your area of interest can teach you a lot. What is your purpose in life? Do you know your gifts? Are you seeking Godly, wise counsel? 
  • Queens eliminate insecurity and negativity -You need to open up and feel alive and free. Be your real, true self. To do so, you need to be around safe people in a safe space, which is what we offer in our Teen Moms Anonymous support groups. Your real true self has gone into hiding because of the violence and abuse that is prevalent in the lives of teen mothers. Violence and abuse lead to feelings of shame and not being good enough. To heal from this shame that is keeping you in bondage, you must expose it and bring it out of hiding, so that you can heal and reclaim your life. At Teen Moms Anonymous we help you do this.
  • Queens Possess Presence - Learn to be soft, gentle. Let your presence speak. Let the way you dress speak. Let go of being loud. You can be heard without speaking.
  • Queens Only Hear Kings - Who will you open your heart to and allow into your space? No one is perfect, but what are you willing to accept and what is not acceptable behavior? What are your non-negotiables?
  • Queens Keep A Royal Circle - Who's for you? Who's your cheerleader? Who protects, defends, and celebrates you? That's your inner, royal circle. Your inner, royal circle may be small-one, two, or three people, and that's okay. Your royal circle may or may not be family members, and that's okay, too.

These are just a few of the characteristics of queens, what they do, how they dress, and how they behave. The young lady in the drive-through window at McDonald's probably does not know this. Perhaps you do not know how queens act, but now you do know, and when you know better, you have an obligation to do better. 

Being a queen is not about being over, above, or better than anyone else - it is about being your best self. Becoming your best self takes time. It must be cultivated, developed. It takes energy and effort, and there are bumps in the road. But to get there - to become your best self - you have to start, and a good place to start is to stop wearing bonnets, bedroom shoes, and pajamas in public and start acting like the queen that is inside of you.

In your corner, 

Dr. Chris 

To learn more about being your best self, R.C. Blakes, Jr's book, Queenology: There is a Queen Inside of You is a resource.