Shame Can't Survive Empathy
Dr. Chris Stroble/ Published March 18, 2025
Do you know that you can feel shame in your body? It stings. It causes a physical sensation in your body. At the mention of shame, you may feel tension and tightness in your chest, tightness in your shoulders and neck, discomfort in your stomach, and a feeling of wanting to shrink and hide. That is what shame feels like.
Many teen moms and adult mothers who were themselves teen moms feel or have felt shame, and it caused them to want to withdraw and hide. Shame, however, can't survive empathy. Here is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of my award-winning book, Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations, about shame and the antidote or remedy to shame: Empathy.
Shame and Vulnerability Researcher and Author, Brene Brown, defines shame as:
“the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection".
She further contends that,
“. . . although shame feel isolating, everyone experiences it (with the exception of severe psychopaths). While no one wants to share their insecurities, talking about shame is the only way to diminish its power because, once you know that you’re not alone, shame loses its leverage."
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Considering what shame needs to thrive—secrecy, silence, and judgment—it makes sense that pregnant and parenting students are riddled with feelings of shame. Shame thrives as they try to hide their pregnancy. Shame increases as they face judgment from peers and adults in the school. Shame explodes when disappointment storms upon them in their families.
With shame partnered with judgment, pregnant and parenting students facing parenthood find a new struggle to overcome. Imagine a teenage girl walking down a school hallway; she sees the stares and hears the snickering and whispering of peers. As she continues to her next class, she notices one of her teachers.
That teacher is looking at her in a questionable manner. She always respected this teacher and felt the teacher liked her. That was before her pregnant belly, she thinks, became so prominent. She feels judged on her walk through a school she’s attended for a couple of years. That judgment brings alone shame. That shame makes her question her worthiness as a student and potential graduate.
With shame overwhelming her, she pays less attention in class and struggles to complete assignments. She wonders why she is no longer invited to study groups or after-school discussions. Though it may not be intentional, she believes it is, and shame increases. So, judgment brings increasing emotional, mental, and intellectual downturns in the world of a teen-mom-in-waiting. This increase is piled onto a young student who is already struggling with anxiety and depression, and maybe even addiction.
The Antidote or Remedy to Shame: Empathy
There is an antidote or remedy to shame. It's empathy. Empathy is the ability to emotionally connect with what the other person is feeling, see things from their point of view, and put yourself in their shoes. Shame and Vulnerability Researcher and Author, Brene Brown, in her TED Talk, Listening to Shame, which has over 20 million views, explains shame and why empathy is the antidote:
"Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it, to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other . . .
If we’re going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy’s the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you put that same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too.”
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This discussion of "me too" and five (5) ways that everyone can demonstrate empathy is continued in Ch 1: Don't Judge. In our March 2025 Podcast, I also discuss these 5 ways everyone can demonstrate.
In our Teen Moms Anonymous support groups, we provide a safe space where teen moms and adult mothers who were themselves teen moms can share their stories with their peers. They will be met with empathy and understanding from those who have walked their journey. They will find resources and information to help them grow into a more confident, skilled woman and mother.
Our support groups and my award-winning book, Helping Teen Moms Graduate: Strategies for Families, Schools, and Community Organizations, are great resources for schools, families, and community organizations who want to support and help more pregnant and parenting students graduate.