Hope For The "Undermothered" Child
Dr. Chris Stroble / Published November 28, 2024
Is your mom the first person you call in an emergency? Is she your cheerleader? The person who always has your back and tells you that you can do it? Is she the person you can go to when the world is beating you down and you need comfort and support? If not, you may be an "undermothered" child or an "undermothered" adult.
The first time I heard the term "undermothered" was when I read Jasmin Lee Cori's book, The Emotionally Absent Mother. I had been searching for a book that would help me understand my relationship with my mother, and why I felt the way I did. Jasmin's book brought me relief from my emotional distress. Reading her book brought me great comfort and clarity. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to tell her how her book impacted me and thank her for writing it.
In The Emotionally Absent Mother, Jasmin explains what a child needs from a mother. She identifies 10 messages a child needs to receive from a mother and 10 roles a child needs a mother to play.
10 Messages a Child Needs from a Mother.
A child needs to receive certain messages from a mother. Often these messages overlap.
1. I’m glad that you’re here.
2. I see you.
3. You are special to me.
4. I respect you.
5. I love you.
6. Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.
7. I am here for you. I’ll make time for you.
8. I’ll keep you safe.
9. You can rest in me.
10. I delight in you.
When you don't get these messages, this impacts your beliefs, feelings, and behavior.
10 Roles a Child Needs a Mother to Play-
In addition to the 10 message above, a child needs a mother to play certain roles in her life. Jasmin identifies 10 roles a child needs a mother to play:
1. Mother as source
2. Mother as place of attachment
3. Mother as a first responder –like firefighters and police officers. The people you call when there is an emergency.
4. Mother as a modulator – who teaches you how to manage your emotions.
5. Mother as a nurturer
6. Mother as mirror
7. Mother as cheerleader
8. Mother as mentor
9. Mother as protector
10. Mother as a home base – the place where you can always go back to for refueling, comfort, and support.
When you don't have a mother to play many of these roles and you don't get many of the messages a child needs from a mother, you are insufficiently mothered. You received enough mothering to survive, but not enough to go out into the world and thrive. The impact is there are holes in your development. Holes in your foundation. Your task as an adult is to complete the developmental tasks and heal the injuries that resulted from insufficient mothering.
How The Unmothered Child Feels
The “undermothered” child feels alone in the world. Adrift. This is because she doesn't have a mother who is a first responder. The person she can call in an emergency. She doesn't have a mother who is her nurturer or cheerleader. She doesn't have a mother who is a home base. The person she can always come back to for refueling, comfort, and support--when the world knocks you down, and you feel alone in the world. The undermothered child doesn't have this and she feels alone in the world. This is especially painful if you are single and don't have the comfort and support of a loving partner. You really do feel alone.
Hope for the "Undermothered" Child
If you are “undermothered”, there is hope. Jasmin notes on p.5,
“The good news is that the deficits of inadequate mothering can be made up for later-maybe not completely, but more significantly than we usually dare to hope. We can heal the unloved child within and become empowered, loving adults. This is a journey worth talking.” p.5
In Part III Healing Mother Wounds, Jasmin explains the healing process, connecting with mother figures, doing inner work with your child within. She touches on therapy and bodywork in the healing process and practical strategies for healing.
The last chapter is devoted to changing the story. It's a great chapter to read after you have worked on your own healing. When you are able to heal, you will be able to see and empathize with your mother's story and learn how to best navigate your relationship with her going forward.
If you are ready to begin your journey of healing mother wounds, Jasmin's book, The Emotionally Absent Mother, is a great resource. You will enjoy reading her work. It is not easy to digest, so you have to read it at your own pace, but everyone I've recommended it to and who has read it, agrees - it's great work!
Always in your corner,
Dr. Chris