Hope For the "Undermothered" Child
Dr. Chris Stroble / Published November 28, 2024
Is your mom the first person you call in an emergency? Is she your cheerleader? The person who always has your back and tells you that you can do it? Is she the person you can go to when the world is beating you down and you need comfort and support? If not, you may be an "undermothered" child.
The first time I heard the term "undermothered" child was when I read Jasmin Lee Cori's book, The Emotionally Absent Mother. I had been searching for a book that would help me understand my relationship with my mother, and why I felt the way I did. Jasmin's book brought me relief from my emotional distress. Reading her book brought me great comfort and clarity. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to tell her how her book impacted me and thank her for writing it.
In The Emotionally Absent Mother, Jasmin identifies 10 messages a child needs to receive from a mother and 10 roles a child needs a mother to play. She explains how the “undermothered” child didn't get many of these messages or have a mother to play many of these roles, but there is hope for the "undermothered" child.
10 Messages a Child Needs from a Mother.
These are 10 messages a child needs to receive from a mother. Jasmin elaborates on each one, but for the sake of space, I'll just list the messages.
1. I’m glad that you’re here.
2. I see you.
3. You are special to me.
4. I respect you.
5. I love you.
6. Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.
7. I am here for you. I’ll make time for you.
8. I’ll keep you safe.
9. You can rest in me.
10. I delight in you.
Think about your experiences as a child. Did you receive these messages from your mother? If not, you are probably an "undermothered" child. Then think about your mother's experience. Do you think she received these messages from her mother? Probably not. If she also had a teenage pregnancy, there's a good chance she didn't, so then she couldn't give you what you needed. That is the issue. This is the cycle.
An "undermothered" child increases the risk of a teen pregnancy, which, without work on healing mother wounds, leads to another "undermothered" child to the next generation and another teen pregnancy. Breaking the cycle of an "undermothered" child will break the cycle of teen pregnancy.
10 Roles a Child Needs a Mother to Play-
1. Mother as source
2. Mother as place of attachment
3. Mother as a first responder –like firefighters and police officers. The people you call when there is an emergency.
4. Mother as a modulator – who teaches you how to manage your emotions.
5. Mother as a nurturer
6. Mother as mirror
7. Mother as cheerleader
8. Mother as mentor
9. Mother as protector
10. Mother as a home base – the place where you can always to back to for refueling, comfort, and support.
The "Undermothered" Child
The "undermothered" child doesn't have a mother to play many of these roles. As a result, the "undermothered" child feels alone in the world. Adrift. This is because she doesn't have a mother who is a first responder. The person she can call in an emergency. She doesn't have a mother who is their nurturer or cheerleader. She doesn't have a mother who is a home base. The person she can always come back to for refueling, comfort, and support--when the world knocks you down. The "undermothered" child doesn't have that and she feels alone in the world. This is especially painful if you are single and don't have the comfort and support of a loving partner. You really do feel alone.
Hope for the "Undermothered" Child
If you are an “undermothered” child, there is hope. Jasmin notes on p.5,
“The good news is that the deficits of inadequate mothering can be made up for later-maybe not completely, but more significantly than we usually dare to hope. We can heal the unloved child within and become empowered, loving adults. This is a journey worth talking.” p.5
In Part III Healing Mother Wounds, Jasmin explains the healing process, connecting with mother figures, doing inner work with your child within. She touches on therapy and bodywork in the healing process and practical strategies for healing.
The last chapter is devoted to changing the story. It's a great chapter to read after you have worked on your own healing. When you are able to heal, you will be able to see and empathize with your mother's story and learn how to best navigate your relationship with her going forward.
If you are ready to begin your journey of healing mother wounds, Jasmin's book, The Emotionally Absent Mother, is a great resource. You will enjoy reading her work. It is not easy to digest. You have to read it at your own pace, but everyone I've recommended it to and who has read it, agrees - it's great work!
In your corner,
Dr. Chris